difficultisgood (difficultisgood) wrote,
difficultisgood
difficultisgood

2014 12 05

The boy is mine

By Marea67
About:
Philip/The Americans and Louis (OC)
Rate: NC17
Disclaimer: Written with love not for money.
Summary: Philip meets a handsome tall Canadian man on one of his assignments. Things don't go according the plan.

******

1978

******

Philip is more than surprised to see Elizabeth leave the night-club early. She looks over her shoulders, crosses the street, fades into the shadows to pop up not far away from their car and  she quickly get in before anyone will notice it.
“What happened? Wasn’t he there?” Philip asks.

“He was.” Elizabeth says, biting her lower lip.
“Was he not interested in blondes?”
“I think he prefer them with dark hair.”
“So, we have to get you one of the other wigs?”

“No.”
“Elizabeth! Please, stay focused.” To Philip these words seems the weirdest ever, usually she’s the one telling him to stay focused on the job.
“I don’t think that I should go in there.” Elizabeth says.

“Why not? So he doesn’t like blondes, but dark-haired ones? What’s the problem?”
“I think I lack in other departments as well.” A little smile appears around Elizabeth’s mouth. Philips checks out his wife body. What could possibly be missing?
“I don’t have a dick.” She tries to swallow away her laughter at the shock on Philip’s face.

“You mean….? You mean that he’s….?” Philip can’t bring himself to say it, realizing the implications.
“Yes. You’re the one who needs to get in there and get the information we need.” Of course, what Elizabeth says makes sense, but Philip isn’t looking forward to it.

He remains in a frozen position for too long and Elizabeth repeats:
You are the one who needs to get in there…” Her voice is a little softer, more threatening and very cold and calculated. Philip lifts his head and stares at the name-sign of the club as if to find strength in the large pink neon-letters.

He nods and gets out of the car. There’s no kiss between him and Elizabeth, no sign of any remote relationship between them. Philip crosses the street, hesitates at the door, but then he disappears from Elizabeth’s view. She leans back in the chair, glad that she doesn’t have to have sex with a stranger, feeling no empathy that it’s Philip who has to do it.

*****

Philip’s stomach is in knots. Of course he remembers having been submitted to gay sex. It had hurt. It had made him feel invaded, overtaken, humiliated and he can’t for the life of him understand why people would willingly submit themselves to such perversities and pain.

He remembers the night like it was yesterday. The members of his group had suddenly ganged up on him. About 6 or 7 men. He got shoved over the table. Pants pulled down…. All he had felt was the excruciating pain when the first man had entered him. Philip’s cheeks turn a little red at the memory.

It hadn’t been until the first one had come, that it all got slightly easier, but all Philip had felt was his humiliation. And it got even worse, when one of them had turned him over on that table and had started to jerk him off. He had been rather sexually inexperienced, but the other man hadn’t been.

Even today, he can still remember how he had begged that man not to stop while that man had practically fucked him through the table… Philip closes his eyes for a second, trying to erase the memories, when a voice suddenly seems to be close to him.
“Are you alright?”

Philip opens his eyes and looks directly in the blue eyes of Louis Marceau, the Canadian businessman that he needs to get information from. Philip just wants to run away. Now that he has this man’s attention, he’s not sure he wants to go on, but the tall man makes another decision for him.
“You look like you could use a drink?”

Philip nods silently and quickly. He doesn’t think that he’s able to say another word after the awful memory that just got back to him. He follows Louis, keeping a few safe steps between them, but once they are at their table, there’s no escaping it. Philip knows that he has to turn on the charms and he hopes it will work on this young man as well.

The conversation is easier than expected. Louis is a smart and lively person with a wide range of interests and apparently a lot of friends, because a lot of men stop at their table to say hello. Philip is partly glad that there’s little light in their corner, so he’s not clearly seen and therefore not easily identified.

The downside is that it allows Louis to put his hands on Philip. No matter how playful and casual the touches are, they make Philip nervous. And when finally Louis manages to sit closer to him, and puts a hand on Philip’s thigh, it takes all of Philip’s self-control to not jump up, break Louis’ face and run away.

“You’re so tense.” Louis notices. “Not that much experience, huh?”
“No.” Philip doesn’t have to lie there. “I had a bad experience.” No lie either. Louis nods with an understanding look on his face.
“Curious, but scared?” He deduces. Philip manages a shaky smile.

“I have a room in the hotel next door, why don’t we go there, where it’s more quiet?” Philip knows that what Louis is offering, is exactly what he needs, but he’s not looking forward to this. The idea of letting this man touch him… do other things to him… be inside him? He shivers. Louis takes the little reaction that he sees on Philip as an positive thing.

They get up and leave. The elevator in the hotel takes them to the 4th floor and Louis guides them to his room. When he turns on the light, Philip sees a large room, with a door leading to a bedroom with a large bed. He holds his breath for a second. There’s no more escaping beyond this point. Louis moves a little closer. His hands slide along the collar of Philip’s shirt.

“Can I kiss you now?” He asks. Though ever fiber in Philip’s body screams ‘no!’, he forces himself to nod in acceptance. His lips part. He’s not exactly sure of what he had expected, but he certainly hadn’t expected the touch of lips that he gets. The soft and barely noticeable kiss ricochets through his body like no other kiss has ever done before.

He finds himself melting in Louis’ arms, opening his mouth a bit further to make the kiss more intimate. His hands, independently from his mind, move around Louis’ waist and he pulls him closer and Louis’ fingers entangle in Philip’s curls, making the kiss so deep that it takes Philip’s breath away.

By the time they finally break their kiss, Philip is out of breath and his pants feel as if they are at least 2 sizes too small. By the satisfied grin on Louis’ face, Philip realizes that Louis is aware of how excited Philip is. A fact that gets confirmed, when Louis casually lets his thumb slide along the zipper of Philip’s pants, eliciting a sharp cry of arousal.

“Perhaps… we should do something about that, before accidents happen…” Louis jokes, unbuttoning Philip’s pants first, then letting the zipper slide down. Philip has the impression that his cock nearly jumps out to seek the touch of Louis’ fingers. The first brush along his swollen member, makes him weak in the knees and by the time Louis’ grasp becomes more firm, Philip is lost in ecstasy.

He moans with disappointment when Louis suddenly stops, but Louis merely smiles.
“Come to bed with me. We both want this… You know that.” He whispers. Philip can’t say a word. He can only dumbly follow Louis. In the back of his mind he wonders where his pants have gone to, but it’s just a minor concern right now.

Again Philip can feel panic come up.
“I… I’m not sure…if…. If…” He stammers, powerlessly waving at the bed with one hand.
“Shhhhh, don’t worry…” Louis whispers. He caresses Philip’s cheek and it feels so much more tender than Philip thought possible.

“Did he hurt you?...” Louis asks, still staying in touch with Philip by gently caressing his upper-arm, shoulder and neck. When he sees that Philip doesn’t follow his question. “The bad experience?”
“Oh.” Philip understands. “They.” He corrects. “They did.”

“Non consensual, huh?” Louis understands. Philip nods stupidly, caught between bad memories, a rock-hard cock and a mind that refuses to function as it should. “Are you sure that you want to do this?”
“No….” Philip moans, but his body seems to feel the need to be closer to Louis’.

“I’ll be so careful with you.” Louis promises, his hands are sliding down Philip’s back. Philip bites his lower-lip to not cry out when his body comes in contact with Louis’s and he discovers that Louis is as aroused as he is. How can he be so hard over a guy? It not natural, right?

Yet, he finds himself sitting down on the bed, he lets Louis guide him down on the cool sheets. Louis caresses Philip’s face.
“Trust me.” He whispers. “I know what I’m doing. It doesn’t have to hurt….” Philip’s mind is carefully suggesting that trusting Louis is not a good idea, but it gets silenced with a kiss.

Philip can’t decide what turns him on more. The kiss that burns on his lips, or the warm hand finding its way between his thighs. He can’t help it, he spreads his legs allowing Louis to explore even further. It is nauseatingly delightful, filling Philip with pure desire to come and come again.

He moves up to meet Louis’ fingers, tears of desire fill his eyes. He wants the release so badly that it hurts. When it finally happens it’s too soon, too fast and Philip is disappointed at himself. He’s usually more in control of his body, but Louis seems to know exactly how to touch him, how to caress him, how to find every sensitive spot…

“It’s alright, baby, this was just the start. Just a way to take the pressure off your body.” Louis promises, whispering against Philip’s mouth, before claiming Philip’s lips again. Philip lets him. He’s too confused and he too filled with lust to go against Louis. Not even when Louis undresses him further, can Philip find the strength to stop him.

For a while they just kiss, even though their kisses become increasingly more intimate. Philip just melts under each invasion of his mouth, each time that Louis’ lips slide over his and even when Louis breaks the kiss to catch some breath, he can’t find the strength to make their love-making stop.

Louis slowly turns Philip on his back. He gets on top of Philip and if on silent command Philip spreads his legs, so Louis can be between them. Philip is aware that Louis is still unsatisfied, but the thought can’t take shape or form. All he feels is that hardness and he realizes that he himself is all heated up again as well.

With a little noise and a push of his body, he lets Louis know that he want more than Louis has offered so far.
“Boy, aren’t we eager…” Louis teases, but he reaches for something in a drawer. Philip can’t see what it is.

For a fraction of a second all his alarm-bells go off. He should be ready to fight back if necessary, but Louis kisses him sweetly and Philip relaxes again.
“Don’t panic. This is needed to make it easier… for you…” It’s easy for Louis to tell Philip not to panic, but when Philips feels Louis attempt to penetrate with one finger, he freezes.

“Relax, baby… It won’t hurt…. I promise…” Louis whispers. Philip is not entirely convinced, but he forces himself to relax and to allow Louis to go on… Not long after he finds himself even enjoying the second finger, filling him more than he thought he could handle.

He should be disgusted, he should feel violated, he should feel threatened, but all he can do is give Louis even more access when a third finger is added. Philip is completely surprised by the fact that Louis really doesn’t want to hurt him. Philip had always assumed that this sort of sex had to be degrading, painful and undesirable.

But he finds himself meeting Louis’ touch, quietly encouraging Louis for more. Louis smiles down on him, enjoying the fact that Philip surrenders so easily.
“I’ll make it even better…” Louis grins and he disappears from Philip’s immediate view, because he moves down.

Philips head is spinning. The fingers that are moving inside him nearly drive him crazy and then Louis adds to the excitement by letting his mouth take care of Philip’s swollen cock. Something in Philips just explodes for a second time, making him move uncontrollably between Louis’ lips and his fingers.

He falls back on the sheets, he’s exhausted. But Louis won’t give him much time to rest. He takes Philip’s hand and puts it on his own cock.
“Please,….” He whispers. “Just do it…” Philip is at first at a loss as to what Louis could mean, but then his hand begins to move up and down.

“That feels so good…” Louis encourages him. Philip can’t control his fingers. They tremble as the slide over Louis swollen member. He has never touched a man like this, not out of his free will anyway. Sure, he had been forced to touch other men, so he could learn to have sex with them, but he had never wanted it so badly as he does now.

“Yesssss…” Louis moans and suddenly he comes all over Philip’s hand, surprising Philip more than he had expected. Technically he had known what he should do, he’s after all a man, but to know that he can actually make another man come is shocking. “You’re good…” Louis says quietly and for some reason Philip can feel a blush come up….

Philip feels a little foolish that Louis can so knock him off his path, but he doesn’t get much time to think about it. Louis’ mouth captures his again and their kiss is long and sensual. Philip had never known that a kiss could hit so hard, go so deep and could be so passionate.

His hands carefully begin to explore Louis’ back, they trail down his spine and then slowly move up again. It’s not as soft as a woman’s skin, Philip notices, but at the same time it is an aspect that excites him. His hands travel over Louis’ sides and slowly to the front to caress Louis’ belly with the back of his fingers, his fingernails scraping over Louis’ skin.

Louis smiles down on him and once again they end up kissing. Philip can’t even bother to try to take charge, he just loves the way that Louis plays with him and touches him. Philip never knew that a man’s touch could be more tender and exciting than that of a woman, but right now, every touch seems to take Philip to another place.

“Turn over.” Louis asks quietly and Philip turns to his stomach. Louis gently pushes him up to his hands and knees. Philip has a suspicion about what’s coming. But he blocks his fear and decides to trust Louis. Again Louis starts by using his fingers, until Philip reacts to him, anticipates his moves and carefully begins to push back.

“You’re ready…” Louis says. “Forget everything else. It’s just me. Only me… And I don’t want you to be in pain… I want you to enjoy this…” Philip can feel something against him and he knows that Louis is no longer using his hand. The penetration is uncomfortable. It feels wrong. You’re not supposed to do it like that….

“Relax, baby.” Louis’ hand caresses Philip’s back, soothing him, coaching him to surrender and give in. Philips body only slowly lets its defenses down and Philip has to admit that he feels rather ‘filled’. His breathing is swallow and too fast. At any moment the pain will come, the humiliation will begin….He closes his eyes tightly…

Louis carefully pulls back a bit and comes back. Philip can’t quite explain that needy sound that comes over his lips. A second, small thrust. It’s becoming less scary. The pain doesn’t come, instead Philip has to say that it somehow feels weirdly good. Another thrust and Philip cries out. It cannot feel good. Not this good.

Louis has given Philip time to adjust and to accept, but now that he feels Philip’s body react to his, he wants total surrender. He pulls back further and pushes back in with more strength and Philip doesn’t know what hits him. He hears himself moan loudly and beg for more. More? Oh, yes, so much more. He finds himself pushing back, wanting more of that hard cock inside him.

He can no longer think in terms of what is right or wrong, all he wants is Louis to fuck him harder, go even deeper, make him scream… Philip pushes his ass up, impaling himself on that cock that makes him feel so good. Louis is a bit surprised by Philip’s passion, but he can’t object. He throws himself even more on Philip.

The sex become a small tug of war, with both men trying to get satisfaction. Philip sinks back on the bed, his cock painfully trapped between the mattress and his body. Louis is on top of him, taking him even harder and deeper, now that Philip has no way to get away from his cock anymore.

Philip reacts from some primal need for satisfaction. His eyes fill with tears of frustration that Louis won’t let him come. At the same time it feels too good and Philip doesn’t want Louis to stop at all. Not ever. Suddenly Louis strong hand reaches underneath Philip. His hand grabs firm hold of Philip’s cock and he starts to jerk him off.

Philip screams at the touch and suddenly it seems like the world stops turning. He never knew he could come this hard. It had never before in his life been this overpowering. He collapses on the bed and he can feel Louis fall on top of him. He’s heavy, but it feels good now that they’re both satisfied….

*****

Philip opens his eyes. Nearly four in the morning! He has to get to work! He looks at the man next to him. Louis is in a deep sleep. Philip smiles despite himself. Louis is so beautiful… How weird to think of a man in those terms. Beautiful. Philip had never before thought of a man in this way, but Louis is just that… beautiful.

Philip closes his eyes. Louis’ kisses still burn on his lips. Even after they had come and the sexual need was gone, Louis had continued to be tender to Philip. Kisses, touches, caresses, playful teasing… Comfortable. Tenderness. All those things that Elizabeth rarely gave him.

He had never felt that satisfied before in his life. If he had been a cat, he’d be purring, while Louis’ fingers had playfully twirled themselves in the little curls that had formed at the base of Philip’s neck. Louis had even asked Philip, if Philip would want to return the next evening. Philip had said ‘yes’ without even thinking about it.

It had all been so fuzzy, so … relaxing. The bad memories have been chased away by this wonderful man… But now it’s time to get back to work. Philip sighs softly and he gets out of bed. Louis moans in his sleep, but he doesn’t wake up. Philip carefully picks up his clothes and he gets dressed.

In the next room he finds Louis’ briefcase. In there, Philip finds the document he needs. He begins to photograph them, every few seconds he looks over his shoulder, but nothing happens. He stops, turns another page, they look like designs for an airplane or something. Maybe a rocket.

“What are you doing?” Louis’ voice is still sleepy, but he’s awake enough to stand in the doorway and realize that Philip is going through his belongings. “Those are mine! What on Earth are you doing there?..” Philip sees understanding come to Louis’ face. “You’re a spy…. Oh, my God.”

Louis turns around, runs back into the bedroom, closes the door behind him and locks it.
“Damn it.” Philip throws his entire force against the door. It gives in. He tumbles into the bedroom, to see Louis reach for the phone and starting to dial. “Oh, no, you don’t!” He jumps on top of Louis and slaps the phone out of his hand.

Louis turns over, tries to hit Philip and push him away. Louis is strong, but Philip is trained and he’s faster. He hits Louis hard in the face, temporarily knocking Louis down. Philip’s hands close around Louis’s throat and he pushes. Louis desperately tries to push Philip away, but Philip keeps choking him.

As he looks down on the man underneath him, a strange desperation comes over Philip. He knows what he must do, but there’s an ache he has never felt before. This is a man he had sex with, a man who had done him no wrong, who gave tenderness like he had never known before.

Philip’s eyes fill with tears. He knows he can’t give up. He has to keep choking Louis. He knows, but it still hurts. It hurts so bad. He wants to stop. he wants to beg Louis for forgiveness, beg him to hold him, beg him to kiss him, touch him, caress him, make love to him….. Yet, he keeps on squeezing.

Slowly but surely, Louis’s body gives up the fight. Louis blue eyes stare at Philip. Panic, fear, desperation, resignation. Philip sees it all happen in those deep blue depts. He cries. He has never felt so bad about killing anyone. Finally, after what had seemed hours, Louis’ body goes limp.

Philip knows that he can’t give up yet, so he continues to strangle Louis, until he’s sure that Louis is dead. His hands hurt. He can’t see anything through his tears. When he finally dares to let go, he sinks down on Louis’ body.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to hurt you…” He cries softly.

He places a tender kiss on Louis’ lips and whispers even more apologies to Louis’ dead mouth, before he can find the strength and energy to get up. He finishes copying the papers, he closes the briefcase and he puts it in a safe place. He goes back to the bedroom. He feels sick at the thought that he now has to deal with the lifeless body of Louis.

“I’m sorry.” He says again. He puts Louis on his side in the bed and covers the body with the sheet and the blanket. And then he sits down on the bed to fight off the wave of nausea that comes over him. In a few hours, Louis had left an incredible impression on Philip and he feels the loss like a personal loss, even though he knows that he had no choice.

He opens the window, to let the cold night air in. He goes through the room. He had tried not to touch too many things, but he wipes clean as much as he can remember. It’s after all a hotel-room, chances are that the police will find evidence from previous occupants too, if they start looking.

One more thorough check convinces Philip that he has done what he could. He’s dressed, he has the small camera in his pocket. The body looks as if he’s asleep and with the window open and the cold air, it will difficult to determine time of death. All he has to do is hang the ‘do not disturb’ note on the door…

*****


He manages to get away unseen and he’s happy to be outside. The cold night-air freshens him up. Elizabeth is long gone. He weighs the option of getting a cab against walking a few miles, but the last option seems more appealing to him. He feels empty, which is strange. Mission accomplished. He has done what he had been told to do…

Hands caress his face, thumb on his lip. Bright sparkling blue eyes…. The picture is vivid that it is as if Louis is right in front of him. Spooked by the strange sensation Philip begins to walk faster. He’s too level-headed to believe in ghosts, but he’s almost sure that he can smell that particular scent that Louis had.

A mixture of after-shave and 'something' that was Louis… Philip can feel tears sting in his eyes again. What is wrong with him? HE’s never been this confused before. He knows that sometimes he has to take drastic measures. He’s done it before. So, why is it different this time?

Those bright sparkling blue eyes… looking down on him… something in those eyes…. Kindness, tenderness,… something else… Louis had liked him! The realization nearly takes Philip’s breath away and he has to stop to let it sink in. Louis had liked him and he had liked Louis… He had truly liked him…

Louis hadn’t just flirted with him. He had flirted back without even knowing it. Because there had been something about Louis, even though he was horrified by the idea of gay men, that had drawn him to Louis. Philip walks on, hands deep in his pocket. Everything is wrong. Nothing is right….

He can feel the tears on his face. He’s crying. Crying for something that he had lost, something he never knew he had, something he had never known he wanted. The small camera burns in his hand, in his pocket. Whatever the document was about, he hopes it was worth the loss of a beautiful man…. And the loss of Phillip’s unshakable belief in the rightness of his job.

THE END

/
Tags: 2014, writing stories
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